Etiquette for Air Travellers - 3

This is the last post, promise, absolutely the end. All these have been witnessed firsthand by yours truly, so am sharing. So here goes ettiquette for air travellers, Indian especially:

Thou shalt leave women alone. I know in the rarefied atmosphere male libido takes flight. But desist! There's this Malayali minister who felt up a co-passenger on a flight and has therefore become a joke in Kerala. The woman knew who he was, his status, his power and lodged a complaint. Now people look knowingly at him everywhere he goes.

Thou shalt wash and brush and apply deodorant even though it's the 3 a.m. flight. Thou don't-est knoweth who mightest be sitting-est next to thou. It's could be Katrina Kaif, Priyanka Chopra, or Preity Zinta. (I am just guessing!) So please don't smell like a cow that has been grazing in the pastures and sleeping on it's on refuse.

Thou shalt not put your feet on the seat before thou and push it's occupant thinking it's a soft cushion kept there as your footrest. You may get an irate sleeping man throwing dirty looks at you all through the flight. If he is an Indian underworld don on the flight to Bangkok, Malaysia or Dubai - their favourite haunts - you may even get bumped off once you disembark.

Thou shalt not push others with the trolley hoping to get ahead in the rush to the check-in counter. With women's liberation ladies protest too much, especially Indian ladies.

Thou shalt not ask for napkins to wipe your dirty face because being budget airlines, they charge even for putting your bag in the overhead bin (Rs 200) and closing it (Rs 100). If you ask for pillow and blanket it will be Rs 1000. Hold on to your thirst and hunger: who wants to have tea costing Rs 2000 and coffee costing likewise? Food is out of the question. That's how they make money, you see, from these little tit bits.

Thou shalt not snore or drool on thy neighbour's shoulder. If it's a woman prepare to be slapped and shaken awake 30,000 feet above the ground and told, "Ghar mein maa bahen nahi hai kya?" (Don't you have mother and sister at home?)

Thou shalt not speak to failed stars of Bollywood sitting next to you. If you do be prepared to hear things like, "Karan-ji, was so nice, Yash-ji was also very, very kind, you know, Steven Spielberg-ji is casting me in the next Indiana Jones film as his snake-charming rope-trick-man." Also, "I am on twitter and facebook, you know. Please look me up and become my fan."

Guess that does it! Hope you liked it. Do write in if you did and didn't.

Please also read my train commuting ettiquettes here and here.

I am @johnwriter on Twitter and John.Matthew on Facebook. I blog here.