Monday, July 26, 2010

Commuting Etiquette for Bombayites

Got to bury this and move on, got to bury this and move on, got to....

Now where was I? Last heard I was ranting about the brash businessman. Today I will touch upon some new types before I run out of ideas. 

The Back Packer

He is outfitted for an expedition to the Arctic. Yeah. Though he is a puny little chap who will make Lilliput (the miniscule Bollywood character actor) blush, he has a rucksack the size of a baby elephant, no, make that a baby dinosaur. He carries it with the bravado of a Scot Amundsen and wriggles a lot to get himself through the door. Once inside, he will refuse to get the load of his rucksack off his back and will stand with it and hit all who comes within swinging distance, like a baby dino with his tail. Or, a salsa dancer with his partner. He carries a big bottle of water in a side pouch as if he is really on the North Pole and there’s a scarcity of water. I can guess what’s inside his rucksack. Inside are the following things fit for a guerrilla in the Congolese Jungle:

  • A big laptop with the power to compute NASA rocket take-offs
  • A camera, a digital SLR of Nikon make
  • Hunting knives, Swiss Army Knives
  • A gun, just in case
  • Several boxes of chewing gum which seems to be what he survives on

That’s no all. He wears cargo pants in the pockets of which are ammunition and a few grenades, again, just in case.

Get away from this type as soon as you can, dive into the space in between the seats, because he could set himself aflame any moment the way he wriggles and writhes through the crowd.

The Constant Eater

This type is a true cud-chewer like a cow. He eats and eats and eats like a bovine. By now it may be clear that he lives to eat. Anything he opens goes down his gullet in seconds – Lays, Fritos, Digestive biscuits, paratha, naan, chapatti, anything. He spills most of the residue on his co-passengers so beware of this type. If you are hungry, and can’t control, don’t ask him for a share. Ask him to give you the empty packets, it will contain enough to fill your meagre stomach. Not that I think that you would ask this glutton.

But all in all, he is the most harmless guy you can find in the whole compartment if you give him a wide berth for his ample girth.

(More coming, I am extra sleepy today.)

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