Tips If There Is an Emergency This Monsoon

Remember July 27, 2006? The great deluge that engulfed Bombay and most of us had to wade through neck deep water to our homes, or had to spend the night in the office? here are some precautions to take in case the same disaster occurs this monsoon:

Ensure that this handbook is in the glove box at all times.

A well equipped first aid kit with bandage, pain relief spray, antiseptic cream, anti-allergic like Avil, Aspirin, mosquito repellent cream or spray like Odomos.

Car drivers with diabetes, blood pressure, asthma or illness for which they take prescription drugs , should keep a stock of their medicines in the car.

In a disaster- like situation instead of trying to reach home, first reach the nearest acquaintance. Try to minimise travel.

Lower your window panes while driving through water logged areas.

Carry out pre-monsoon checks of batteries, tyres, electrical wiring, engine, maintenance of your car including wipers and top -up the fuel of your car during the monsoon.

Initial light rains will mix with the dust and oils on the road to produce a very slippery surface. Such conditions must be treated with extreme caution as tyres tend to have less grip on slippery surfaces.

Ensure that your tyres have the recommended air pressure and sufficient tread depth.

Install in your car mobile battery charger and ensure your FM Radio is in working condition to tune into announcements. Ensure that you have at least one CDMA cell phone in the car. It seems that CDMA phones worked more effectively than the GSM phone during an emergency.

Handy tools to be kept in the car :

Hammer: to break the glass on the driver's window from the middle/centre, in case of an auto-lock system failure.

Thick long at least 20 metres nylon rope with a hook to be kept the dicky.

Fully charged powerful torch.

Plastic sheets and spare umbrella

Dry and non -perishable food items should be kept in vacuum container in ample quantity. Dry fruits are recommended.

At least two litres of bottled water to be filled daily.

A working whistle.

Create in the contact list of your cell phone ICE (In Case Emergency) to enable any rescuer to inform your nearest ones at the earliest.

Never drive alone preferably in the disaster -prone areas.

Avoid low lying areas.

At any time your Life is more precious than your car, so in case you are stuck be prepared to park and walk.

Why Some Writers Have It So Good

The great Jeffrey Archer, in India to promote his new book:

“Now this all began, well, 34 years ago, when I stopped being an English member of parliament, couldn’t get a job, so I wrote my first book — “Not a Penny more, Not a Penny Less”. Now, I have to tell you, papers all across the world said it was an instant success. I want to tell you about that “instant success”. Sixteen publishers turned the book down. The Seventeenth paid me 3000 pounds. And they published 3000 copies. Only 200 came to India — Not much of an instant success. But when it went into paperback, they published 25,000 copies and they sold them in a month. I went back and said, “Please would you publish another 25,000 copies.” They said, “No no, Jeff, we’d like you to do another book”. “No,” I said, “I’d like you to publish another 25,000 copies.” “No, No!”, they said. “Yes, Yes”, I said. (I) Finally got them to publish 25,000 copies and they sold them in a month. So I went back and said, “I’d like another 25,000 copies.” They said “No”, I said “Yes” and I got another 25,000 copies.”

“Last month they published another 25,000 copies.”

Makes me wonder why it’s so easy for some people and hard for others to break into publishing. Yesterday I had another rejection from yet another publishing company that wanted to bring out a collection of my short stories. The editor said, “I am still enthusiastic about the project, but the economics of the business doesn’t work out,” or something to that effect.

Guess, I should have started out by being some kind of a celebrity, say a member of parliament, and then I would have made it to being an author. Khushwant Singh took the other route; he became a writer and then went to parliament (hmm, didn’t he?). Yes, a Google search proves that he was. I typed “Khushwant Singh, Member of Parliament and clicked, “I am feeling lucky.” I use the “I am feeling lucky” option very often and it works. Do try.

I digress, as I often do. So as poet CP Surendran once wrote, “It’s the age of standardisation, we don’t want to be the ones seen as the loners, the questioners and doubters who stand outside the pack.” We fall in line and say “no issues” so easily, or, our jobs are on the line.

That’s why when Kitab 2008 was organised all the writers who had enthusiastically attended the champagne parties (even fought to get admittance) in Kitab 2007, avoided it like the jaundice. Nobody wanted to be seen as the outcast as I was made to feel. I am so glad I had the company of greats like Indra Sinha who valiantly said, “Just because a friend is in trouble doesn’t mean he stops being a friend.”

Thank God, there are some sensible, humane people around. I am sure Jeffrey Archer would have approved.

Oil Companies, Reverse Robinhood, and Zero Carbon, Me!

I am not a very figures kind of person, except when it is “figure” of the other kind. I can remember bank account numbers, pin codes, ATM codes, etc. but when it comes to remembering a lot of statistics I go blank.

But this thing was easier than expected. Since the government is increasing prices of petrol I did a few searches on the net and a few calculations. I found that all the oil companies owned by the government, including the ones that were prospecting for oil were running at losses.

I remember those halcyon days when Bharat Petroleum was Burmah Shell, and Hindustan Petroleum was Esso. These companies were making decent profits before the government nationalised them, and my friends, whose parents worked in these companies were well dressed, and came to school in bicycles from the nearby Shell Colony in Chembur, while I sweated it out on my two feet.

How can a government company that has a monopoly turn from making profit into making losses is what beats me. What gets my gall even further is that Aramco and other oil companies make obscene profits while our companies are wallowing in the red. Sheer inefficiency and laziness. Why look at Aramco when Reliance Petroleum, a recent entrant, can import crude, refine it and sell it locally and make a profit of Rs. 1,463.55 crore in 2001 (I don’t have the latest figures, but this will suffice).

Which makes our public sector oil companies including ONGC, HPCL, and BPCL into money guzzlers and blood suckers making losses in excess of Rs 8,000 crores. It’s to mitigate this loss that Manmohan and his merry company of friends are increasing prices. I did some simple maths and found that the increase in revenue being touted as the panacea will still not cover the losses made, and therefore the public sector companies will again be in the red. Remember my words!

Why is the government feeding these inefficient vultures who can neither fly or hunt for prey? Why can’t they privatise the oil companies and let them by run by the Ambanis, or the Ruias for that matter, if not the multinational corporations mentioned above? Why can’t oil in India retail at international prices, considering that our huge economy is so dependent upon it?

I saw a break-up of oil pricing in India and was amazed to find that taxes accounted for almost 50 per cent of the sale price. Why can’t these taxes be reduced? None other than Saha, a former chairman of ONGC has suggested that the regime of controls and public distribution benefit the rich and not the poor, something of a reverse Robinhood.

From an article in The Mint I found recently that I am one of those specimens who are the most unpolluting in the world. I use public transport, doesn’t use electricity to shave or brush my teeth (as such, the electricity board in my corner of the world switches off for a few hours when I am doing all these), don’t use the geyser (well, occasionally, when it’s too cold), I switch off the computer monitor when I am not using it, I don’t own a car, I don’t use deodorants (the worst contributor of chlorofluorocarbons), and therefore I don’t contribute much to the carbon deposits in the outer atmosphere. Ergo, I should be compensated with Carbon Credits which have recently started trading on MCX (India’s commodity exchange, read this poem I wrote.)

Oh forget that, who bothers, but what I don’t understand is that good carbon citizen that I am, why am I being penalised by the higher prices I am going to pay for the autorickshaw, the vegetables, the train tickets, etc. just because the national oil companies are making losses.

Privatise those damn bloodsuckers and fire those drones who sit guzzling all my money in those mammoth oil companies! Damn you reverse Robinhoods!

Bombay in the Rain - Part Two

The rain brings with it a host of catastrophes, unique to Bombay. If you are about to visit Bombay, hold all plans. I read this travel advisory The Economist gives free to all and sundry, and this is by way of warning people who would be planning a trip in the season of inclement weather. A colleague’s home got flooded, the roads around Andheri, the area that teems with call centres and software parks is so dirty that garbage lies strewn on the streets and it looks as if no effort has been made to collect garbage for days.

All this with the first hesitant showers? Then what all will follow, whattapen, God only knows, no?

Forces of nature, force majeur, acts of God, all phrases resounding with man’s helplessness when pitted against nature. But what to do? Things are like that only no? The rain sweeps Bombay into the gutter, and everything takes on a dirty greyish brown colour. It doesn’t cleanse but mixes the dirt into a paste, which then sticks to trousers, shoes, and saris. And the authorities sit and blink, and wring their hands. They don’t know what to do; they have been vanquished by the first onslaught. I can see them cowering behind their dusty files, the morons.

Commuting is hell. Really, commuting is the worst part of living in Bombay. The roads being what they are, the drivers become surly and bad tempered, even the genial rickshaw driver becomes a devil with a pitchfork and a long tail. Two days ago we tried all we could to persuade one of them to drop us at Andheri railway station. But none would oblige. It took us nearly one hour to finally coax an unwilling specimen to take us, and the result was a long wait in a traffic jam stretching all over Andheri-Kurla road. After that there was the long queue of patient people waiting to negotiate themselves to the railway platform, then the long commute. Reached home at 10.30 p.m. I had left the office at around 6.30 p.m. So that makes it a four-hour commute.

Another Rejection Letter!

You wait and wait, and wait some more…. You lose all hope, and then comes this sweet letter. I am a bit wary about putting it here so publicly, but I have said it before and will say it again, this is all about the thought process of a writer, and I will be honest about my struggle, my failures and achievements in equal measure. So here it is, the dumb mail that arrived in my inbox a few days ago:

Dear John

Thank you for submitting your novel, and apologies in such a delayed response.

After much discussion in the Literary Department (Really? Thanks!), we have concluded that, unfortunately, your novel is not quite right for us.

While you write in fantastic detail with a great passion, sadly it is not a project we feel we can take forward. The publishing business is fiercely competitive (as if I don’t know it already); we all have to be one hundred percent convinced by a writer’s work (mister, you don’t pass muster), in order to represent it effectively.
We are very sorry to write to you with this disappointing response. This is always a personal decision, we're sure others will feel differently (Oh, would they?).

Wishing you the best of luck in seeking representation at another agency (“This is the end, beautiful friend (novel),” as Jim Morison sang).

Signed

Another rejection letter. And after years of waiting, years of editing, years of re-writing, years of waiting for something to happen to your pet project – your novel – your heart sinks. Remember, we are reading this on a busy suburban railway platform and a tear forms in the eye and lingers on around the edges. The man sitting beside you, a casual acquaintance, wonders why I haven’t smiled and nodded at him and avoided the usual pleasantries.

I have spent a lot of my time, sleepless nights, years, in fact, on this novel, which has been rejected. Now I think I should abandon it and not waste more time on it. Instead there is this new novel I am working on which seems promising, nay, full of the bitter after taste of rejection.

The Rain in Bombay

The rain struck Bombay on Tuesday night and the above was the result of the backlash it unleashed. Tuesday night it grew very hot inside the compartment, and when the train approached Kurla, I felt a cool gust of air, soothingly caressing my skin. I looked outside, and, one of nature’s beautiful sights awaited me.

It was raining!

The water was dripping slowly from the windows, it cooled the sweaty bodies around me and the train stopped at several places in between stations. It was 10.30 when I reached Belapur, only to be met with a long, snaking queue for autorickshaws. A sardarji tried to bring order to the queue, mostly ignored by the queue-standers, too tired to listen to him. Well, dammit, the rickshaw drivers had made the rain an excuse to take the rest of the day off, and would be quaffing on rum by now, I thought. The rascals!

And the above is the picture of my commute on Wednesday when the trains again played truant, my usual train was cancelled, and when I made it to Andheri, the above picture was what caught my eye at the exit from the station on the East side. A long queue of people, slowly pacing, a step at a time, impatiently pushing against each other, head down, deep in thoughts, sweating freely, wet all over, some even listening to music.

Ah, well, that’s what the rain does to Bombay!

The Resplendent Glory of Jodhpur

Saw this most engaging documentary on the Maharaja Gaj Singh of Jodhpur on Discovery channel. What was amazing was how this royal has managed to maintain the traditions of his royal house at his own expense. Of course, the pomp is a bit subdued, the attendants look a bit down cast and jaded and the entourage isn’t as big as it must have been in those days of yore when the royals must have sashayed into their palaces in style. Royalty has its charm, I think.

But what it gave me was a look into their lives, the way their lives must have been lived in those ramparts, the stones of which tell the story of love, hatred, betrayal and war. The ancient legacy of India, a rich Rajput tradition that speaks of the glory of India before the British Raj, is displayed in the customs and ceremonies still followed by the descendant of this royal family. A good effort, well captured on television. After all, who can manage to keep up those tradition now that the kings and princes don’t even receive a privy purse? The struggle Maharaja Gaj Singh takes to maintain his forts and museums was, to my mind, obvious from the documentary.

See it on Discovery channel if you can, if only to capture the glory of an India that has passed into the pages of history, whose traditions are being valiantly upheld by the royals of Jodhpur.

This is the article that appeared in Mumbai Newsline about Amitabh Bachchan launching his blog where I have been quoted. All I said was I would like to see Shobhaa De blog, and lo and behold she has started a blog of her own. Check it out.

A Poem and All about Medical Insurance

A poem written to a friend who was in ICU recently. It was shocking how he, youthful, a fitness freak, a cyclist, maintaining a busy schedule and a robust life ended up in hospital. Shows nobody is immune to heart problems even at a young age. So take care of your heart, care for your body, eat healthy, stop smoking, drink moderately, sleep well, live happy.

I am doing all these after a recent stay in a hospital, a traumatic experience for me. The nurses were so inexperienced they couldn't insert a canula in my wrist. I suffered four days of trauma because of a friend's choice of the wrong hospital. It was even more traumatic getting paid for the treatment from medical insurance. They made me run around submitting multiple documents thought I had filed and submitted all my documents scrupulously.

But that is over now, and they say my claim has been passed. I will look elsewhere if it isn't, there are so many medical insurers around. Take Tata AIG for instance, which pays back your premium if you don't fall sick. Good isn't it? Take a look.

Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR), Oh, Give Me a Break….

I have this habit, I don’t know good or bad, of looking over shoulders at laptops and taking a peek at the stuff people near me are working on inside Bombay’s cattle pens, euphemism for trains. And there was this ordinary looking guy who was working on a powerpoint presentation. And, wow, he seems to be an employee of the biggest consumer products multinational in India, and is reading a presentation that was a sort of exhortation which ran as follows:

“A society’s values and environment are important parts in the company’s marketing effort. The company should always protect and upkeep social values.”

Imagine reading all this rot and not the daily newspaper in the train. (Not to imply that newspapers are full of uplifting stuff, and all, you know.) Not the exact words but something similar. So, what are the social values this company upkept over the years, huh?

That the fairness creams it so blatantly sells can get a girl with an inferiority complex a fairer skin and a good husband, that when we use the soap used by film stars we become as beautiful as them?

A big laugh to all that. Ha… ha… ha… ha…!

A corporation exists for the only purpose of making money for its owners and shareholders. Let this fact sink into you, smart guy with the laptop. And if you or anyone stands in the way of the corporation’s pursuit of money then you are the one who will have to quit. All these talk of benefiting society, social responsibility are bullshit.

That brings me to why Bill Gates would give so much to his foundation. Actually if Bill Gates’ heart bled so much for the poor of third world countries why doesn’t he sell all he has and give it to charity, as Jesus suggested to a follower? No, he has to have a foundation and only the foundation will help the poor, i.e., supply computers to schools in rural areas of India. Actually he is selfishly creating a market for his products in India, and he knows once people are hooked to windows, they would remain hooked for life.

And why don’t the companies that have schools, hospitals, universities genuinely admit the poor and the deserving? Because they do it for the tax breaks they get and the goodwill they receive out of bestowing favours to people whose services they need.

It makes me laugh, this corporate social responsibility, CSR, in short. That corporate type sitting near me looked like a fool to believe all the shit being dished out by the powerpoint presentation, that of companies going on about social upliftment and all that. He should know that if tomorrow he is struck by lightning the company will terminate him and not think about their social responsibility towards him.